Mrs. Doubtfucker: A Mrs. Doubtfire Parody

The doorbell rang. Kenzie Taylor opened up to an old woman in a bun and dowdy dress, one who spoke in tight, pinched tones. "Mrs. Doubt—" Kenzie started, then caught on the second syllable, flushing. "Fucke—Doubt…Fucker? Christ, sorry—am I saying it right? That name’s a hell of a mouthful." "Doubt-Fyooker," the old woman corrected, crisp and old-world. "German stock, dear." Kenzie laughed, then looked past the gray wig. "Right, okay. Look, I told you on the phone—I’m back with my ex, his kid moved in with us, the house is a mess. I need someone to keep the dust from talking back." She squinted. Something clicked behind her eyes. "Wait. Have we met? Your face—" Mrs. Doubtfucher shook her head, prim. "Not at all. Just one of those faces." She smiled like a crack in porcelain. Kenzie shrugged it off. "Okay, I’ve got work. Go introduce yourself to my step-daughter—her room’s down the hall." The old woman turned, already on the scent. Kenzie’s voice snapped like a leash. "How the hell do you know where her room is?" "Women’s intuition, I suppose." Another tight smile. She was gone before Kenzie could press it. Knock. Mackenzie Moss looked up from the bed. "Yeah?" The door eased open. Mrs. Doubtfucher slipped inside and shut it behind her with the soft click of someone who didn’t want to be interrupted. "I’m the new—" the housekeeper started. Mackenzie’s eyes narrowed. The old-lady act cracked at the corners; Mackenzie saw teeth underneath. A hand—smooth, wrong on that body—pushed back the wig. Alexis Fawx stood there, blonde, shining, and grinning like a secret. Mackenzie’s mouth fell open. "Alexis? Jesus—" "I had to see you," Alexis breathed. "Your dad’s divorce clause said stay away. So I faked it." Mackenzie’s shock melted into something hotter. She grabbed Alexis by the frumpy dress and yanked her close. Their mouths crushed together—wet, open, hungry. Alexis’ hands already at the buttons, breath quick between kisses, heart hammering under the starched collar. Kenzie had no idea the perfect housekeeper was already inside the house, tongue-deep in her step-daughter and starving for more.